sillycow101

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

Harsh

Today, I asked my parents if the outfit I was wearing made me look fat. My mom looked at me and paused for a while; my dad said, "Honey, that outfit doesn't make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat." FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 5 years getting intimate with my best friend. When they saw me they immediately stopped and said nothing. After about 5 seconds of silence my boyfriend yells "April fools!" April Fools was 12 days ago. FML

It's not what you think…

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserts dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said, "How do you like that?" Then my mom walked in. FML

Camping out

Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent, causing the girl to scream and run away. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML

Today, I learned that when you flush the toilet, the contents do not disappear into oblivion. They show up in your basement when your sewer backs up. And they come in greater numbers. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for for his birthday in a couple of days. He replied "to be single" and walked out of the room. FML

Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

Today, I need to find a way to explain to my 5, 7 and 12 year old kids their uncle wants to become their aunt. FML

Today, my mother keyed my car because I wouldn't invite her into my home and get her a cup of tea, so she could continue screaming that she was going to kill me while I tried to feed my 4 month old daughter. The last time I got her a cup of tea she threw it in my face. FML

What just happened?

Today, my girlfriend and I were lying in her bed. We fooled around and were about to have sex as she suddenly began to cry without any reason. She cried for 30 minutes until I finally managed to calm her down. She said there was no reason for her crying. Then she fell asleep. FML

That helped

Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

Let me Slytherin

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

What the hell am I doing here?

Today, my "friend" told me I was weird and irritating. Yet she has an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter, hates people in general, and has a Facebook for her cat. Yeah, I'm the weird one. FML

Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML

Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML

Today, the girl I've been dating for several months, and fallen in love with, said "We're just friends, right? My mom thinks I'm leading you on." FML

Good one, thanks

Today, as I was walking home from work, my dad drove past, pulled over, rolled down the window and asked, "Are you tired of walking?" To which I replied "Yes!" Just as I reached for the car door, he yelled "RUN A WHILE" and sped off. FML

Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML