fakedsincerity

Word to the wise

Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML

Living his best life

Today, after being sick all day with the flu, I asked my husband to wash the dishes after I went to bed. He said he couldn't because he had a large, important project for work that needed to get done. I woke up a couple of hours later to find him smoking weed on the couch and watching cartoons. FML

Today, I was mugged while changing my tampon. The mugger took everything, including the fresh tampon. FML

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

Today, my boyfriend got so baked, he thought I was in the washing machine. I came downstairs to find him sitting in a puddle of soaking wet clothes, crying about where I was. FML

Today, while working as a hostess in a restaurant, an old lady complained to the manager that I was on heroin because she could see all the track marks on my arms. I was actually fighting a staph infection and the "track marks" were where my IV had been placed. My manager told me to cover it up. FML

Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML

Today, I had sex for the first time. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me because I don't think she is pretty enough since I "wanted it to be over so fast". FML

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. As we waited for our food he took my hand and said, "I think we should break up." When I got outside, my tire was flat. FML

Today, after returning to work from a week-long sickness, I sent out an apologetic email to all of my clients to explain my lack of communication due to absence. I realised afterwards I had put the subject line as 'Absense'. And sent it to all of my clients. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years gave me the "I'm not in love with you anymore" speech. I saw it coming, so I'd planned to play it cool by saying, "If you're sure it's something we can't fix, I'd rather not talk about it". After a while, I realised I was just sitting there like a child, fidgeting and shaking. FML

Today, I had sex with a guy I really had a connection with. It went perfect until I complimented how his moans during sex turn me on a lot, and he responded with, "That's what my mom told me." I laughed so hard we couldn't go on. FML

Today, in court, my client ran his mouth at the judge, cursing him out and then trying to lecture him on "freedom of speech" when he was found in contempt. I don't know what it is with these nutjobs, but I wish I'd never become a public defender. FML

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend's attention by taking my bra off and tossing it at him. He only put it on as a hat and kept playing his video games. FML

GHOSTS!

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

Today, my mother straight up admitted that she would murder me if God told her to. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had sex with my sister, but it's ok because I'm better in bed. He seriously doesn't understand why I dumped his sorry ass. FML

Today, I found out that people know when you're screenshooting their snaps on Snapchat, by the guy I have a crush on, asking me why I keep doing it. FML

Facebook hell

Today, someone told my girlfriend that I cheated on her. I've never cheated in my life. Instead of talking to me about it, she made a big post on Facebook about what a dick I am. Pretty much all the comments went along the lines of "What a bastard." and "Ugh, men are pigs." FML

Today, my 5-year-old daughter said "Mommy, why doesn't anyone wanna marry you?" I've been asking myself the same question for all too many years. FML

Today, I overheard my mom complaining to her friends about her uncontrollable queefing problem. Excuse me while I find a therapist. FML

Today, I went on my first date. When we got to the restaurant he started hitting on the waitress. As soon as we sat down he took out his iPod and watched a video, then took out his phone and went on Tinder. Then about a minute before the bill came he dissapeared to the bathroom for 20 minutes. FML

Congratulations!

Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

Creepypasta

Today, for the first time, I made a guy get a boner and make out with me. This would've been great if it hadn't been a dream, and if the guy in question hadn't been my brother. FML

Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML

Today, I asked a girl to prom by having 5 friends hold up signs saying "P-R-O-M-?" while I snuck up behind her. She said yes... to my friend holding the "?", who she thought was the one asking her. FML

Miserable

Today, I was let go from an unpaid internship. The reasons cited was that I seemed unhappy at work. No, that's just my face. FML

Today, my cat likes to share my pillow at night. I guess she was extra comfortable last night, because she didn't bother getting off it to hack up a hairball. I woke up because I rolled my face onto it. FML

Creepypasta

Today, I found out that my violent ex has moved to my country for the sole purpose of tracking me down. I know this because my former boss called and told me she gave him my address. She loves the idea of us getting back together because, "You're such a cute couple!" FML