trimmerr

Today, is my birthday. Everyone forgot except my stalker. He rang the door bell the second it turned 12:00. FML

Get it while you can

Today, a young boy helped me carry my groceries home. He then asked me to sign his sheet to certify that he had done half an hour of service to the elderly. I'm 46. FML

Today, I got a postcard from my boyfriend who is on vacation in the Caribbean. He's breaking up with me. FML

Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML

Today, the toilet on the top floor of my house burst, soaked the bathroom, and water dripped down into the kitchen and the basement for hours when nobody was home. Eight blowers and a dehumidifier later, the house is about 90 degrees and I can't leave. FML

Today, I was watching a movie online. There was a 15 minute ad. 13 minutes into watching an ad about birth control, I noticed that there was a "skip this ad" button in the corner. FML

Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML

Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML

Hefty

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

Today, I drove the width of the country to tell the girl I've lost that I'm in love with her. She wasn't home. FML

Today, I threw a surprise birthday party for my 3 year old. There was music, snacks and lots of toys. My 3 year old is a cat. FML

Today, I walked in on my mom and her friends comparing the differences in their nipples. FML