Stxsyh

Today, I started working my new summer job at McDonald's. Only 2 hours into my first shift, my tooth falls out onto a young girl's tray of food. Not only did she see it, but my managers and other people waiting in line all saw it. I don't think I have a summer job anymore. FML

Today, my coworker decided to give me "the talk". I'm 21 and not a virgin, yet most of what she said was new to me. FML

Pranked

Today, I went out to eat. When I walked into the restaurant, a lady approached me and said she'd seat me soon. After a long wait, I saw that same lady leave. Then I realized she didn't actually work there and was just screwing with me. FML

Hitting the gym

Today, I told my dad I was gonna to start working out again. He looked at me with honest confusion on his face and said, "You worked out before?" My mother started laughing. She was all the way upstairs. FML

Today, I attended my best friend's wedding. Instead of throwing her bouquet, she turned around and handed it to me. I was the only single lady out of 150 guests. FML

Today, we had customer complaints of a child molester hanging around our restaurant. After confrontation by a manager, he wouldn't leave. I had to be walked to my car after my shift by more than one person because I look 12 and they were afraid for me. I'm almost 19. FML

Many such cases

Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML

Waiting for my man

Today, I decided to break up with my boyfriend. The main reason being that he doesn't value my time, and fails to see how canceling at the last minute is rude and a major inconvenience. I wanted to be respectful enough by breaking things off face to face. He cancelled, at the last minute. FML

Today, I was finally starting to relax after a stressful and expensive move, where I had to give up half my belongings and furniture, as well as my cat. All the stress came rushing back as my new landlord told me that he's selling the building and I've got 30 days to vacate. FML

Today, I received a break-up text while in a cramped car with my whole family. I had to choke back tears as we got stuck in traffic with the radio playing one love song after another. FML

Get on with it

Today, after nearly two months of working at my new job, one of my co-workers finally explained to me that the list of tasks that our boss gives me every day are actually HER duties, and as I complete them, she just sits in her office and watches Netflix. FML

Mortifying

Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say, "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML

Today, I watched a young shop assistant try her hardest to flirt with my 20-year-old son. When he continued to be totally oblivious, she outright invited him back to her flat. When he asked, "What for?" a piece of my soul died at how completely I have failed as a father. FML

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be hilarious to secretly swap her and my mom's numbers in my phone, then sexually tease me before going to work. I found out about the prank when I texted my "girlfriend", saying I was going to fuck her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for days. FML

Today, my religious friend and I ended up having wild sex in the back of his mom's minivan. We got interrupted by a priest knocking at our window. Well played God, well played. FML

Maze

Today, while in a hotel, I left the room to get some ice. Since my parents left the door wedged open, I didn't worry about trying to find the room number. Without thinking, I walked in to another room that was also wedged open. Yes, there were people in it, and yes, they were both naked and hairy. FML

Today, my "friends" pulled an elaborate prank on me. First, they changed my ringtone to a recording of someone saying "Allahu Akbar" on repeat. Then, they called me as we had a moment of silence in honor of the 9/11 victims. FML

Today, I heard my boyfriend telling a female friend that his ex was so gorgeous and out of his league that it made him feel inadequate, and so he now only dates within reach. She told him he's hot enough to have anyone he wants. 30 seconds later they were tongue-deep in each other's throat. FML

Creepy

Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML

Today, I'm working an 8-hour shift on less than 3 hours of sleep. In order to stay awake, I chugged 3 Red Bulls. Now I can't feel my face. FML

Yummy

Today, I helped myself to a piece of a cake brought by guests at a birthday party. I didn't like it much so I discreetly attempted to give it to the girl next to me. I asked her, "Do you want some? It's sort of disgusting." She replied, "Thanks, I made it." FML

Today, I woke from last night after meeting the most amazing man, and after giving him a good morning kiss, roll out of bed to use his bathroom. After using his toothbrush, I go to replace it in his holder only to find not one, but several prescriptions for herpes in his unzipped toiletry bag. FML

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her new clothes. She's gone from a size 4 to a size 12 during our relationship. FML

Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML

Cop a feel

Today, my crush and I were hooking up and as he slipped his hands up my shirt in order to "feel me up" he started rubbing around my whole torso. When I asked him what he was doing, he replied, "Well I was looking for your boobs but… apparently you have none." FML

Today, I went to the doctor to find out why I've been feeling so sick the past several weeks. Turns out, I'm severely allergic to the cat of my girlfriend of two years. I told her "It's me or the cat." She chose the cat. FML

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

POLICE! OPEN UP!

Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML

Hard pass

Today, while working at the hospital, I had a patient with a blocked bowel. It was so bad, feces were entering into her stomach. While leaning down to talk with her, she threw up. I was both vomited and defecated on at the same time. FML

Today, I flew 8 hours to visit my boyfriend. When I arrived at the airport, and he started taking long to show up, I checked my email to see the info. I hit the junk mail by accident and found his last 10 emails in there. He had broken up with me a week ago. FML