Miss_Chevious

Today, it's my birthday. My next-door neighbours gave me a stool and some rope. FML

Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She just grabbed the ring and said in a raspy voice, "My precious..." FML

Today, I caught my little sister taking a selfie in the mirror with a fake nose piercing, peace sign, and a duck face. She's 12. FML

Sneaky

Today, I received an urgent call from my son's nursery asking me to collect him, saying he was, "lethargic, complaining about being ill and crying." I get there and he's running around, playing, and admitted that he just wanted to come home. They still made me take him home. FML

Record breaking

Today, I've managed to go my whole nine-year teaching career without anyone vomiting in my classroom. That record was broken today when someone vomited four successive times in front of a class of 46 students. It was me. FML

Today, after telling my audience of preschoolers and parents that I'd been performing magic since I was a kid in 1995, a 4-year-old got more laughter and applause than I did in my entire act by gasping, "1995? You should be dead by now!" FML

Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML

Today, my religious friend and I ended up having wild sex in the back of his mom's minivan. We got interrupted by a priest knocking at our window. Well played God, well played. FML

Today, during my father's funeral, I heard my mother-in-law mutter, "No loss there. Lazy cunt." FML

Today, I went to a high school reunion. An old friend I hadn't seen in a while suddenly came up to me and gasped, "Oh, thank God!" I was about to greet her and catch up when she added, "I'm not the only one who gained weight!" FML

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant, then he fainted. FML

Today, I waited 7 hours for my mom to come home and give me my computer back. 15 minutes after she got home, I remembered that I had hidden my computer myself so she wouldn't take it. FML