tim374

Today, my parents are forcing me to go to an insanely conservative, Christian private school. I'm gay. This is going to be a long year. FML

Today, I was sitting in my old rusty truck in an empty parking lot, when some old lady parks beside me and opens her door, hitting my truck. Having a used up truck, I didn't mind. But you could tell that it made her mad, when she came back with the manager demanding that I pay for her paint job. FML

Today, my boyfriend turned out to be a moron. Although he loves anal porn, he says gay sex is revolting. His reasoning? Because guys poop out of their buttholes. Apparently women don't. FML

What a thoughtful gift

Today, I brought my best friend to the strip club as a birthday gift, as he had mentioned that he'd never been to one before. It might have been ruined by the discovery that his daughter had a new job. FML

Today, I wanted to work out the volume of my penis and did so on the first piece of paper I could find on my desk. After I finished the calculations I realized that the other side of the paper was in fact my school report. It's the only copy I have. FML

Today, I was using my iPad for a presentation. I locked it and left it connected to the projector while I prepared to present. When I turned around to begin, I realized there had been a push notification from Groupon asking if I was still interested in a dildo. FML

Help yourself

Today, my aunt asked me to have my 13-year-old autistic cousin stay over for the night. When he got here, he told me his mom forgot his Vaseline, and asked if I'd be a dear and go get some for him. His mom informed me that he uses it to masturbate. FML

Today, I went to my parents house to secretly collect all of their home videos and convert them to DVDs as a Christmas gift. Among them I found a sex tape my parents had made. FML

Today, while eating dinner with my boyfriend, I look up to see him staring at me, smiling. Hoping he wanted to say how lucky of a man he was who loved me deeply, I asked him what he was thinking. He replied, "You can't smell that yet? It was a noxious one." FML

Today, while I was working customer support, a lady hung up on me mid-sentence, and I trailed off, saying, "…aaannnddd you hung up on me like a bitch." Turned out she was still on the line and had just accidentally hit mute. FML

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

Today, I was at a football game with my boyfriend. I said my hands were getting cold, hoping he'd hold them. He replied, "Uh, they make pockets for a reason..." and physically showed me how to put my hands in my pockets. FML

Today, after waiting for years for my oldest daughter to grow out of Twilight, my younger daughter discovered it. FML

Ice-breaker

Today, I went on a first date. Everything was going well until he asked me, "So, what's the biggest thing you've stuck up your vag?" FML

Considerate

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend cheating on me. The guy turned around and said, "Sorry, I borrowed your condoms." FML

Today, my boyfriend kept jiggling my fat rolls while we were cuddling. I was annoyed, and I told him he could at least go for my boobs instead. He instantly replied, "But these are bigger..." FML

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend. Trying to be romantic, I complimented her on how nice her hair smelled. She replied: "Yeah? Wait till you smell this." then let out the vilest, most nauseating fart I'd ever smelled in my life. FML

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

Today, my wife wanted me to take her to a new restaurant in town. When I looked it up and saw their prices, I almost had a heart attack. When I said it was too expensive, she snapped "Maybe you'd like to look up 'Lorena Bobbitt' next?!" We went to the restaurant. FML

Sorry, I…

Today, my boss was telling everyone his mother recently passed away and he'll be off work for a while. I'd been holding in painful gas for a while, so I tried to ease it out. It turned into a long, squeaky fart in front of everyone. Everyone glared at me as if I was trying to be funny. FML

Today, I witnessed my dad spreading his ass cheeks to show my mom the rashes his hemorrhoids are giving him. FML

Today, I rubbed chilli powder on my fingers in an attempt to kick the habit of biting my nails. Ten minutes later I went to the bathroom. It still burns. FML

Early morning noise

Today, my girlfriend woke up, and while half-asleep, muttered, "What time is it? Have the neighbours started drilling again?" I'll try harder to keep my farts in from now on. FML

Today, I overheard my mom complaining to her friends about her uncontrollable queefing problem. Excuse me while I find a therapist. FML

Foot meet mouth

Today, I overheard a coworker talking about going to what sounded like a dentist's appointment. As she left later, I jokingly said, "Remember to open wide!" Turned out her appointment was with her OB/GYN, not a dentist. FML

Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML

Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

Today, I was taking a shower, facing away from the faucet, when I dropped the soap. When I bent over to pick up the soap, my sister flushed a toilet in the next room, causing hot water to scorch my anus. I got made my shower's bitch, FML

WTC WTF?

Today, someone in my class referred to the September 11th attacks as "Nine-Elevs". FML

You're going to hell

Today, some assface hacked my recently deceased friend's Facebook account. The person changed my friend's location to "Hell", then posted a status saying how hot the weather was, and replied "I wish :'(" to someone who'd said my friend was in a better place now. FML