Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came, "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML
Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML
Today, it's been 2 weeks since I lost my virginity and I've already had sex with 3 guys. I think I'm a nympho. FML
Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML
Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML
Today, my roomate took the toilet paper out of my bathroom. I went into his room to look for it, only to find a large wad of it balled up near his laptop and mouse. FML
Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises, so I assumed she had won and started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I essentially applauded her death. FML
Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML
Today, at the dinner table my parents were talking to my younger sister about her new boyfriend and how they should be taking it slow. My sister then pointed out that that's not what I do. My dad said, "Believe me I know- your sister's easier to get into than community college." FML
Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML
Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML
Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML
Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn't like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML
Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist, only to walk out looking like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to see that new Star Trek movie?" and tried to talk me into watching it. Now, wherever I go, people are giving me the 'live long and prosper' sign. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
Today, I took a nap with a kitten I just adopted from my mom's house. To make her feel more comfortable, I took a nap with her on my bed. In my dream, I kept smelling poo and I felt around on the bed to find the kitten. She apparently had diarrhea on my bed and I had stuck my hand in it. FML
Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent, causing the girl to scream and run away. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML
Today, I was cleaning out my fiancé's room while he was away so we could move into our new home. Not only did I find a few gay nudie mags, but also some interesting love letters from a nice man named Pablo. Apparently I need to do a lot more than cleaning his room to excite him. Like grow a penis. FML
Today, I was so excited to play the video game I just bought, I decided to read the manual in the game. I went over the seizure warning and thought to myself, who the hell gets a seizure from playing a video game? Apparently I do. FML
Today, I saw myself in a 'girls gone wild' ad with another girl. So did my mom. FML
Today, I brought a friend who I have loved for years out to a nice restaurant for dinner. I ordered an expensive bottle of wine, and poured each of us a glass. As I was about to tell her I loved her, she raised her glass for a toast and said "A toast to friendship!" FML
Today, I was working at a soup kitchen with people from my church. Seeing a rather disheveled couple, I told them the line started "over there". Only then did I realize that they were from my church, and were there to help serve soup. FML
Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML
Today, I said to our pool-boy, "I know what you're doing, and you have to stop it." He started shouting that I had no right to tell them what to do and that they were in love. He was referring to his relationship with my eldest son. I wanted to tell him to stop drinking my beers. FML
Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML
Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML
Today, I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. I passed out. I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin, and in a puddle of my own piss. FML
Today, my mom was criticizing how I can't handle taking care of any living thing because I'm too irresponsible. We had a huge argument so I went back to my apartment, only to find that my fish had died. I forgot I had a fish. FML
Today, I was talking to my best friend. After admitting to me that he's gay, I gave him a hug for support and comfort, feeling his erection on my upper thigh. FML
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