Mademoiselle New Jersey, USA 28 ans Célibataire
Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML
Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML
Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML
Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML
Today, I shat out a staple. FML
Today, I watched my boss try to stick a magnet to cardboard. FML
Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML
Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML
Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML
Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonald's, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML
Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML
Today, I received a package from an unknown address. Inside were doll heads and cigarette butts. FML
Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML
Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML
Today, the creepy guy I turned down for a date almost six years ago, sent me a box of rotting flowers with a note calling me a cunt. FML
Today, while at work, I went to unlock the washroom for a customer. Normally we don't allow customers to use the staff washrooms, so I was as surprised as the guy I found sitting on the toilet when I opened the door. FML
Today, my boss told our production department that we're not allowed to be happy. FML
Today, a customer asked me how long our 6-inch sandwich was. FML
Today, I'm moving. While packing, I realized I hadn't seen my cat in a few hours. I called her and realized she was inside one of the hundreds of boxes in my house. I accidentally packed my cat. FML
Today, I took some heavy pain medication before calling my boyfriend. I don't remember the call, but apparently confessed to really liking corn, and faking orgasms. FML
Today, while being high for the first time after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I called my dental assistant pretty before leaving, and then shouted, "I NEED TO POOP!" to the whole office. FML
Today, at my daughter's ballet recital, after she was done dancing, grown adults booed. She's five. FML
Today, my 7 year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of a supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML
Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML
Today, I was bitten by a therapy dog. FML
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