Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh, I had an itch…" FML
Today, I was late for class. I have extreme social anxiety, so I quietly slipped into the huge, packed auditorium, trying to be as quiet as possible. When I was almost to my seat, I accidentally kicked a teacher's coffee down the steps. The entire class looked at me and some clapped. FML
Today, I told my dad and brother that I want to take Zumba classes. My brother said, "Did you hear that? Pumbaa wants to Zumba!" Then he starting dancing and making pig noises. My dad high-fived him. When my mom heard, she high-fived him too. FML
Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML
Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML
Today, I finally accepted my grandma's friend request on Facebook. I commented on a family photo album she'd uploaded, joking that the quality would greatly improve once she added pictures of me. My comment was met with, "Shut up you sewage rat". FML
Today, I posted a photo on Facebook showing a side-by-side view of me before and after I'd tried out my new makeup. My dad commented, "What is this, Gollum cosplaying an Orc?" My mum, brother, and over 20 "friends" liked his comment. FML
Today, my dog brought me a a dead rabbit. It so happened to be the rabbit a group of neighborhood kids were looking for after they lost it yesterday. I just had to hide a body for my dog. FML
Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such a loser and how I have no friends. He listened sympathetically, until his phone buzzed with a text message. He said, "Balls, the guys from work wanna get shitfaced!" and took a rain check on me. FML
Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML
Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML
Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML
Today, I was out with my brother and his group of very cute friends at a Cheesecake Factory. When the server came to take our orders, she asked me what kind of sauce I liked. Like a complete fuckwit, I blurted, "I like creamy white stuff." The guy across from me choked on his water. FML
Today, nearing the end of my pregnancy, I went to a local pool. While attempting to swim on my stomach, I turned a little to the left, and buoyancy took over and I ended up belly-up and flailing, causing a very large man to then laugh so hard, he choked. FML
Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML
Today, we finally got some signs of summer in Sweden and I went to hang out in the sun with some friends. I was wearing sunglasses so I only put sunscreen on my nose and forehead. I now have a dick-shaped area in my face where I didn't completely burn my face off. FML
Today, I found an injured rabbit by the side of the road. I was about to take it to the local vet, when my husband picked it up and casually snapped its neck. "No rabbit's worth my money" he said, forgetting that he's been a jobless moocher for over 3 years. Pass me the goddamn divorce papers. FML
Today, while playing hockey, one of my teammates decided to swing her hockey stick like a golf club. She missed the ball, but managed to hit me right in the vagina. FML
Today, I applied online for a position and typed, "OH&S Certificate." It autocorrected to, "OH&SHIT Certificate." I didn't notice until the site e-mailed me a copy of my completed application. They'd already received it. FML
Today, I was at Bath and Body Works with a friend of mine. She wanted me to smell a particular lotion and when she brought it up to my nose, she squeezed the bottle and lotion went all over my face. Right after, a worker came by and commented how the lotion "got a little too excited". FML
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