Ainarr

Slipping at a night

Today, I lost my anal virginity because my boyfriend "slipped". FML

And if it is mine?

Today, I realized that last month, my ex cheated on me with my roommate, we split up because of that. After it, I am still friends with both of them. And now they are both going out, and they are both living with me, and it feels awkward, and she is pregnant and no one knows the father. FML

Hissy fit incoming!

Today, my boyfriend’s female "best friend" hates me for absolutely no other reason other than she, "just doesn’t get along with girls." My boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with this, and insists I should just accept it since, "that’s just how she is." Time to throw the whole man away. FML

Scammer

Today, I found out that my mother, who's been against me seeking treatment for my cancer, has been going to different churches and charities to get donations for her "poor ailing daughter." I've not seen a dime of this money, and my mom just tells me to pray my cancer away. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML

LEAVE ME ALONE

Today, it's the third day that I can't sleep. Somewhere in my room, there's a mosquito craving for my blood, and every time I'm about to fall asleep, I can hear it flying around. I'm covered in bites, even in places that barely see the daylight. FML

Today, at the beach, I swam pretty far out into the ocean. I ended up getting pummelled by the waves and got a painful cramp in my leg. The whole beach watched me flail and scream, while my friends rolled their eyes as they dragged me out of the water. FML

Double trouble

Today, I found out that the doctors accidentally perforated my left ear drum performing a routine wax syringing. I was at the doctor's for a completely different reason, having crushed my pinky at the gym. They can't fix either and my finger needs surgery, which can't happen until next week. FML

Let em in

Today, at 2:30 a.m. I got locked out of my room. I knocked upstairs to get my landlady to give me the spare key. Instead, I woke up the dogs next door who wanted to kill me, so I hid for 5 hours in the enclosed trampoline with some outdoor blankets. They were covered in animal piss. It rained. FML

Today, after months of finishing off my husband with a BJ every time we have sex, he informed me that he has a lot of resentment building up towards me because of the bare minimum he has been getting. FML

Today, my spouse made it clear that they would rather play video games than be intimate with me. I've tried everything, but get nothing. FML

Today.... I needed to borrow my dad's car keys to move his car from behind my friend's car. He works 3rd shift so usually he is sleeping at 11 am.... NOT TODAY! I, for some reason, walked in his room w/ out knocking and much to my surprise he had porn spread out on the tv and his hand going in. FML

Today, I got rear ended. The guy flashed his lights at me to pull over, so I pulled into the side of the road. He drove away. FML

Is that even possible?

Today, I realized my sleepwalking habit has reached new heights. How? I woke up in the bathroom. On a plane headed to California. FML

Today, I wore my cool new shirt with an oriental character on it to class. The Chinese TA burst into laughter and told me the shirt read, "I am a sad, pathetic person." FML

Today, I returned from a trip to Budapest with more condoms than I had brought with me. FML

Today, while I was working out, I was listening to music with my earbuds in. The Pokémon theme started playing and I begun singing along. It wasn't too long after that I remembered I was in a crowded gym on a military base. FML

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. I recognized him. He's the guy that broke into my car and stole my backpack two weeks ago. FML

For real though?

Today, my father was offered 85 sheep for my hand in marriage. We live in the USA, and he is literally contemplating the offer. FML

Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

Today, at work, a woman came up to the counter and asked if we made sweet and sour chicken. Before I could answer, she told me a really long recipe and said "I expect to see this on the menu next time I come in, or I will complain to the manager about your lousy work ethic". I work at Starbucks. FML

Look at this

Today, I was having dinner with some friends at an Applebee's. I couldn't decide on what I wanted, and after about 10 minutes of me flipping through the menu, our waiter brings over the braille menu complete with gigantic pictures of all the dishes and says, "Here, I thought this might help." FML

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

Hell no

Today, I met my boyfriend's mother for the first time. She greeted us holding a baby, and I told her how cute her son was. She told me that it was her grandson. Turns out my boyfriend is the father. We're 16. FML

Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML

Empathy black hole

Today, I rang British Gas to cancel my boiler cover, as I'm totally and utterly skint. I told her the reason was I was getting divorced, moving house, losing my job, and had no income at all. She was very sympathetic, and said, "How would you like to pay your £37 cancellation fee?" FML

Spooky

Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said, "It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

Today, the boy I like finally acknowledged me. He came up to me and uttered two words: "Nice pooper." FML

Today, I was getting my portrait done. The artist told me to smile. He looked at me, then said, "Oh, don't smile." FML

Kinky

Today, I discovered my boyfriend has a thing for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant though, my roommate is. FML