lizziezavala

Romance is dead

Today, I thought I would be cute for my one year anniversary with my girlfriend, so I cooked a three course meal for her with candles and rose petals on the floor. She loved the dinner, except now she's passed out in a food coma upstairs while I'm left with the dishes. FML

Overreaction much?

Today, my allergies flared up and I started sneezing. I guess my girlfriend was having a bad day, because she lost her shit and started telling me how annoying I am and how I can never do anything right. I'm not sure if we're still a couple, because she stormed out and won't answer my calls. FML

Not taking it well

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, claiming I'd threatened him with a gun. Despite zero proof, they took me to the station and gave me hell. I guess what I've learned today is that you should never offend your crazy neighbor by breaking up with his daughter. FML

Today, I overheard my daughter talking to her boyfriend over the phone about having sex. She said, "You have to piss on me to get me pregnant, that's what I heard anyway." She's 16. FML

Almost there

Today, at age 31, I was about to finally lose my virginity. As we tumbled onto the bed, an excruciating pain shot through my stomach. It turned out to be a hernia, and no, I didn't get laid in the end. FML

Today, I woke up to a mouse sitting on my pillow and chewing on my hair. FML

Recognize this?

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my vagina. He replied, "What's that?" FML

Today, as a limo driver, I had to drive 8 guys for a night-out from their wives. I put the Michigan/Rutgers game on the radio, thinking they would appreciate that. Apparently, they wanted to listen to their "pump-up" songs instead, which were mostly Katy Perry songs. FML

Today, while cuddling in bed with my drunk boyfriend, he kissed me softly then told me under no circumstances would he ever marry me. Then kissed me again. FML

Today, while on vacation, my parents called to inform me that my best friend had died in a car accident. Why? To trick me into tearfully confessing my love for him. It worked. FML

Getting on

Today, I found my first grey hair. How? My boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to point it out. FML

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML

Horny

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of three years, who can't get it up for me and has been blaming blood pressure issues, apparently has no problem getting it up while watching the neighbor undress from our window. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in the missionary position. Once again, our cat decided to crawl onto his back and stare at me. FML

Well played

Today, I found a book in my attic that I always read when I was a kid. For old times' sake I read it again. On the very first page, child me had written, "Go to page 15" so I did. On page 15, in big red letters, it said, "Get bent." I got pranked by myself. FML

Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

Today, my boyfriend said "You're a real work of art. You know, the abstract kind that no one likes. Anyway, we need to break up." FML

Gender bending

Today, the girl I'd been dating online for 6 months told me she was a guy. I said it was alright, and that I was still in love. Then she confessed she really was a girl, and was just trying to make me dump her so she wouldn't be the "bad guy". FML

Today, I was having some rare good sex with my husband, when he suddenly said, "I'm fuckin' BORED," and pulled out so he could go play his video games. FML

Today, my son trained his little sister to walk up to strangers and whimper: "My mommy punches me." FML

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

Time's up

Today, after a huge fight, my girlfriend started coming onto me. I thought it was actual make-up sex and went along with it. It was great, until she suddenly shoved me off her just as I was almost ready to come. She smugly announced she was dumping me, got dressed, then left. FML

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

Today, after putting in so much effort to forgive my husband for his affair, we had sex. Not even 2 minutes into it, he called me by the other woman's name. FML

Manly man

Today, I won a pool game against some guy. His friends started mocking him for getting his ass whooped by a pregnant girl who couldn't even lean over the table. He got mad, swung his pool stick at them, missed, and hit me right in the face. FML

Today, my sister came out of the closet. By which I mean she came out as the pregnant mother of my boyfriend's child. FML

Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

Today, I told my Dad I was an alcoholic and had decided to seek help. His reply, "Don't stop drinking, you are the life of the party, funny and beautiful when you drink." FML