lizziezavala

Today, I tried talking to my wife about our sexless marriage. Her only response was to toss me a sock and say "Knock yourself out, fuckstick." FML

Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML

Today, my apparently insane and now ex-girlfriend actually claimed she didn't technically cheat on me, because she set her Facebook relationship to "single" before screwing my brother. FML

Congratu…

Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML

Today, my long-distance boyfriend arrived, took off my bra and told my boobs, "I missed you guys", then took off my panties and said, "Hey buddy" to my vagina before saying he missed me to my face. FML

Today, I walked in on my husband going down on another woman. Instead of speaking, he looked at me, got up, and slammed the door. FML

Today, I decided to be the "cool aunt" and take my nephew to a horror movie. I ended up being so scared, I burst into tears. Nothing says "cool" like having an 11-year-old walk a sobbing, grown woman from a theatre. FML

Today, I got a Brazilian wax in anticipation of becoming intimate for the first time this weekend with a man I have dated for a few weeks. I'm so sore it hurts just to walk. FML

Today, an ultrasound tech complimented me on my "exceptionally full bladder." That's probably the best compliment I've received this week. FML

Out of my mind

Today, I underwent surgery and feeling rather groggy upon being awoken, I very loudly declared, "I've always had a thing for doctors. Kiss me?" then promptly giggled, tried to launch myself in a random doctor's arms and fell flat on my face. FML

Today, I found out that my homophobic boyfriend, who I was giving a chance to grow the fuck up and get over his obsession with bashing gays, has been cheating on me with another man. FML

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML

Sneaky

Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked just like her son, who was killed in Afghanistan. She tearfully asked if she could hug me "one last time." It was a little weird, but I let her. Ten minutes later, at the checkout, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

Today, I was drying myself with a towel after a shower when I noticed a bad smell. After running out of toilet paper last night, one of my friends decided to use my clean towel to wipe herself instead. FML

Wiped out

Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

Hidden

Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn't like the faces I was making. FML

Chill out

Today, I wore a sleeveless shirt for the first time in years, when I glimpsed something on my shoulder that looked like a spider. I let out a scream that sounded like a donkey having a stroke, and flailed my arms. Then I realized it was my tattoo, and that I was freaking out everyone on the bus. FML

Sixth sense

Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her, "Need a hand with that?" to which she replied "I'm doing fine here on my own, don't ruin it." FML

Today, at about 1 a.m. I got a drunk text from my girlfriend thanking me for the amazing sex last night. I have been out of town for 3 days. FML

Today, my fiancé told me he didn't have the money to make payments on my engagement ring and that I either have to return it, or make the payments myself. Now we aren't engaged any more, and are "dating." FML

Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML

Today, a police officer gave me a ticket for smoking. He told me that my parents would have to be contacted to come pick me up. My drunk dad came to the rescue, and almost hit the police car. Way to go dad. FML

Today, I wore an expensive vintage blazer which I'd purchased at a market in Paris. Turns out my colleague has the exact same one, only hers is from a clearance rack at Target. FML

Oh Romeo…

Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to try to serenade me by throwing rocks at my window and singing a song about how much he loves me. This would have been extremely sweet if he would have gotten my window instead of my dad's. FML

Today, my mom announced to everyone that she wants at least ten grandchildren. I'm an only child. FML

Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML

Assumption

Today, my girlfriend started bitching me out about how public proposals are unfair and how they pressure a girl to say yes. All I did was get on my knee to tie a loose shoelace. FML

Inappropriate

Today, I took my 5-year-old daughter to the play place at McDonald's but I had to keep her busy, instead of letting her play. A mom was teaching her 3-year-old daughter how to pole dance, using the play place's poles. FML