Today, I woke up to my dog jumping on my bed and licking me all over. It would've been fine, if I hadn't woken the first time a few minutes earlier to the sight of him going to town on his balls. FML
Today, I came home early, only to hear a mad scramble in the living room. I found my now ex-girlfriend and best friend in there, sweaty and in their underwear. The idiot actually had the balls to claim he was teaching her how to do push-ups. FML
Today, I ran into a good friend at work. I work at a jail. She doesn't. FML
Today, I ran into my boyfriend of 5 years. The weird thing was that he was supposed to be in Iran. The even weirder thing was that he was with his wife and kids. FML
Today, my mother compared having me as a daughter to having a deadly kind of cancer. FML
Today, I found out my sister stole my phone, pretended to be me, and tried breaking up with my boyfriend. FML
Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML
Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while I was proposing. FML
Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML
Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML
Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML
Today, I developed the disposable camera pictures from my family's trip to Disney World. I noticed that in the pictures I took of them in front of the big castle at Magic Kingdom, my wife and son were standing a few feet away from a man who was touching himself. FML
Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML
Today, the police came to my door and told me about a woman who called the cops on me because she said that I had been following her in my car. We were on the highway. FML
Today, I overhead my mother's request to be spanked harder by my dad. FML
Today, my boyfriend told his parents about my bondage fetish. In front of me. FML
Today, I was on a date with someone I've had a crush on for a long time. It was after midnight, we were chatting in the car and I was close to having my first kiss ever. That is, until a bunch of policemen popped up to arrest my date for being a suspected drug dealer. FML
Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML
Today, I walked outside to see my friend frantically waving and running at me, yelling something I couldn't understand. I smiled and started to jog over to him until I realized he was screaming "RUN!!!" We spent the next 10 minutes running from his neighbor's 5 vicious chihuahuas. FML
Today, my therapist told me that I need to do something different with my hair. Then I paid her. FML
Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML
Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend posted on my boyfriend's Facebook wall. Apparently, I give awful blowjobs. FML
Today, I couldn't shut a drawer in my kitchen, because an oven mitt was blocking it. An oven mitt filled with tin-foil wrapped electronics. My Mom believes Internet hackers can get into her digital camera and prepaid cell phone, and apparently tin-foil will prevent that. FML
Today, I realized how close my boyfriend and best friend are. FML
Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked around my neighborhood every night is my grandpa. And he's not sleepwalking. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She took everything, including the kidney I gave her a year ago. FML
Today, I let my little sister sleep in my room because she had a nightmare. She is currently snoring like an overweight 40 year-old man with a cold. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML
Today, I emailed my crush an anonymous love letter. It wasn't until twenty minutes later that I realized that the email address I used contained my full name. FML
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