moomo17

Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited, she says to me, "Just joking." FML

Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML

Today, I put on my "fat jeans" because none of my other jeans fit. Neither do my fat jeans. FML

Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML

Dingus

Today, I was driving along when I saw a hot girl walking. I decided to impress her by doing a 180 degree turn. Successfully pulling off my trick, I decided to back up so I could go the right way. Not looking behind, I backed up and smashed into a wall. FML

I'm not kidding

Today, I had to call the doctor to go and have them remove a tick that had got stuck to my man-parts while fishing. The receptionist laughed, because she thought I was prank calling. FML

Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided it'd be funny to create a "place" on Facebook for my vagina. Now he "checks-in" every time we have sex. FML

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

Today, I sent my grandma a naked picture instead of my girlfriend. While attempting to delete it, I sent it again. FML

Today, in the middle of the night, I got up to go get some water. When I came back, I was going to flop onto my bed, but I faceplanted into my floor. I'd forgotten that I'd rearranged my room and moved my bed. FML

Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML

Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML

Today, I woke up again to a warm trickling sensation on my neck. It would seem my rabbit has a thing for doing his business on me to wake me up. FML

Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML

Power move

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML