dno79

Thanks, I hate this

Today, my coworkers threw me a surprise baby shower. I'm not pregnant. FML

Thin blue line

Today, I called the cops on my elderly neighbor for blaring loud war music yet again. They chatted and laughed with him on his lawn for a good half hour. As they left, he slapped the female officer's ass, only for her to just giggle about it. After they drove off, he fired up his music again. FML

Compassion

Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral, I was told to "man up". FML

Today, I found out my doctor misdiagnosed my kidney stones as constipation. Now, I'm shitting like crazy from the laxatives that he gave me, and I also have to pass a kidney stone. FML

Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmother's items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML

Today, my best friend since first grade, who I've been in love with for years and finally hooked up with last week, asked me for advice. He wanted to know if he should start a long distance relationship with a girl he hooked up with last night. FML