tranced_

Today, when I was at my friends house, he sent a message telling my crush what she felt about me, not knowing I was at his house. her response was, and I quote "ew, he's not boyfriend material". FML

Today, the maintenance man for my apartment “fixed” my toilet from constantly running. Now it won’t flush. I learned this after I took a huge dump. My boyfriend was over to spend the night. FML

Today, My boyfriend got me a new vibrator` for the holidays. I walked into my living room only to see my whole family watching my 12 year old nephew and my dog toss it back and forth like a frisbee. It was mortifying.. FML

Today, I had to pee too badly that I entered into a female washroom by mistake as I was in a hurry. There was a lady breastfeeding her baby who punched me so hard that I peed my pants. FML

Today, after months of trying for a baby and telling me how he wants a family and can't wait to have a kid with me, my boyfriend was relieved when I got a negative home test, saying he's not ready for kids yet. I took another test this morning. I'm pregnant. FML

Ewwwwww

Today, my excruciating ear pain turned out to be a bastard maggot eating away at all the vital things behind my eardrum. The doctor pulled it out, but I’m now permanently deaf in that ear and can’t balance. I fall if I try to stand or walk further than 5 feet. FML

Today, for the 2nd time in a month, I've been rear-ended at a stop light. One insurance company refuses to pay because of prior damage from the 1st accident, and the other won't pay because of new damage not caused by their client. I just want my car back. FML

Today, I spent a good 20 minutes cleaning the massive shopfront window of my work outside in the scorching heat, only to watch some kid drag his sweaty, sticky hand all the way along it. FML

Not so wise, eh?

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. While under the influence of the drugs, I tried to speak Japanese. Later, my Japanese roommate informed me that I was saying "I am a weasel" over and over again. FML

Today, instead of having until the end of June to find another apartment because my landlord is selling the place, I was told that the buyer paid cash and I now have 10 days to get out. I'm a flight attendant and will be out of town for 8 of those days. FML

Today, I went into a public bathroom to wash my hands, only to be met with a woman fixing her hair, who promptly slapped me for sneaking into the ladies room. I was in the right bathroom, which she realized after seeing the urinals. FML

Today, while working at a hotel, I had a guest return his room key in my hands for once instead of throwing it on the counter. Progress, right? Except that it was covered in snot. FML

Nightmare Fuel

Today, at work, I had a coughing fit so bad I actually shat myself. What felt like a gallon of liquid crap poured down my trouser leg onto the floor. I work in a competitive office and this happened in front of 30 spiteful coworkers who love posting pics online. FML

Today, I found out the only way my wife has an orgasm is by fantasizing about an ex boyfriend, who she regrets never sleeping with. FML

Footloose

Today, whilst on the toilet at the mall, I took my new designer sandals off as my feet were blistered. Not even a second later, a hand reached out from under the stall, grabbed my sandals and disappeared. I had to walk home a mile barefoot. In the burning heat. FML

Today, I embarrassed myself by screaming for help in a crowded mall when my shoelace got stuck at the top of the escalator. Someone behind me kicked the shoelace and it came out easily. FML

Good omens, etc.

Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML

Today, I found out I was the top ranking sales person for 2014. What did last year's winner receive? An all-expenses paid weekend holiday. What did I receive? A ham. I'm vegetarian. FML

Today, I decorated my boyfriend's house for Christmas as a surprise, just in time for him and his family to come home. Also just in time for him to tell me he's Jewish. FML

Today, after doing tons of research on a wand my little brother wanted for Christmas, I finally found one on eBay for $60. After already giving my credit card info and confirming the purchase, my dad called me and told me he found the exact same one for six bucks at a local toy store. FML