shamzam9001

Today, I was caught skinny dipping by the police. With the arresting officer's daughter. FML

Do not come

Today, I visited my doctor upon coming home from University. I found out that I'm severely allergic to our pet bunny, which has resulted in a rash taking over my body. She suggested that we get rid of the bunny. I told my mom. She told me to come home less often. FML

Today, I went bra shopping with my mother. She insisted that I try on a bunch of push-up bras, and I told her I didn't want to, because it's false advertising. She looked at me and said that I need all the help I can get. FML

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Today, the man I went on a date with a few weeks ago finally called me back. I was his "one phone call" from prison. FML

Today, I went to Waffle House to talk to the manager about getting a job. My boyfriend now wants to beat up the manager for giving me his number so that I can call him whenever I'm done filling in the application. FML

Today, I once again had to tell one of my elderly patients not to grope me. He responded by throwing his bedpan at me. It was full. FML

Giggles McGee

Today, I managed to not laugh as a potential high-profile Italian client with a heavy accent repeatedly pronounced "sheet metal" as "shit metal". Unfortunately, my boss and a senior colleague couldn't contain their own laughter. We lost that deal, and our jobs are now endangered. FML

Dirty mind

Today, I'm so sexually deprived that I got a raging hard-on from seeing and hearing my coworker yawn. FML

Today, I realized that I know, all too well, what it feels like to have my over-middle-age boss's boob on my shoulder. FML

Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML